I don't know the exact moment it happened or if it was after a series of moments but it's true. After taking a couple of years off to travel, do something productive and "gain life experience" before stepping into the career that partly defines you for the rest of your life, something inevitably CLICKS. There is no word exactly to pinpoint WHAT clicks. It's a mystery but I'm going to try my best to describe it.
I don't know if it's being able to hear yourself think without the noise of conventional society and man's killer, routine, but the click is loud enough to change your life, to make you deaf. Deaf to pressure, this silly "life is a battle and you must be FIRST or the BEST, or you are nothing" aggression and TIME.
I felt an inkling when I was dancing and singing on the beach at sunset with my friends, splashing in the waves. Is life REALLY this perfect?
The click got louder when the health post threw me a surprise birthday party and dunked my head in the cake. I heard, "thank you for helping us," for the first time in 2 years. This is when I went deaf to the clock ticking. The rush had been all in my head all along.
Then there was the time a young mother I work with unexpectedly confided in me. I come visit her every so often with the doctor or nurse to prevent disease in her children. The doctor left and I stayed, seeing the loneliness in her eyes, simultaneously going deaf to aggression. She told me her husband hits her and rapes her when he comes home drunk. "You can do whatever you want to your wife, even if she doesn't want it. Machismo." It hits me again - this ever-present, ever-nebulous feeling. It stays opaque but it's growing stronger and stronger each day. You feel obtuse and you're searching for answers.
Can't forget all the times little kids greet me as I walk down the streets of my small village. They knew my name on the second day of my service...as if I MATTER, as if I'm someone SPECIAL, just because I'm white and from far away and they've never seen anything like it. Boom. I'm here. I'm on this Earth. I'm living. I'm breathing...I'm powerful.
When things click, there's also this INNER CALM that possesses you. It fights with you because you hesitate to believe in it at first and then, just like a wave washes a seashell to shore, the calm settles in. Maybe it's because you've put up with so many situations people only have in their wildest dreams that it takes a lot to provoke you now. Your home is sticks and mud with leaks in the roof you had to patch in rainy season, you've had dengue fever and people thought you were going to die, your legs are ruined from mosquito bite scars, you've seen child beggars and had to be cautious instead of sympathetic, you've been close to insects smaller than your hand that can kill you, you've been on transportation that breaks down twice to take you a couple miles. Everything breaks, and it's okay. Life is hard and complicated, and IT'S OKAY, and most importantly, I begin to like the hard moments more and more.
Maybe it's the time I was able to give a child her first tooth brush and she smiles ear-to-ear the way someone who's just won the lottery smiles, but also in a way that makes you want to drop to your knees, bury your head and cry for them all because they don't deserve it. The only thing that's keeping you sane in such an environment is that you're doing SOMETHING about it. Sure it's not a lot, but at least it's SOMETHING. Peace.
Maybe it's when you hiked to see the sunset over your village with your cute Peruvian kid friends that don't wear shoes, climb to the tops of coconut trees and live on mangoes, oranges, rice and potatoes. Maybe it's when they all laughed at you for not being able roll your r's. Life is good, isn't it? Life is unbelievable but it is good. You are going to be alright. A worry at this moment is wrong. Look at their faces and enjoy. Be. Click.
I don't know if it's being able to hear yourself think without the noise of conventional society and man's killer, routine, but the click is loud enough to change your life, to make you deaf. Deaf to pressure, this silly "life is a battle and you must be FIRST or the BEST, or you are nothing" aggression and TIME.
I felt an inkling when I was dancing and singing on the beach at sunset with my friends, splashing in the waves. Is life REALLY this perfect?
The click got louder when the health post threw me a surprise birthday party and dunked my head in the cake. I heard, "thank you for helping us," for the first time in 2 years. This is when I went deaf to the clock ticking. The rush had been all in my head all along.
Then there was the time a young mother I work with unexpectedly confided in me. I come visit her every so often with the doctor or nurse to prevent disease in her children. The doctor left and I stayed, seeing the loneliness in her eyes, simultaneously going deaf to aggression. She told me her husband hits her and rapes her when he comes home drunk. "You can do whatever you want to your wife, even if she doesn't want it. Machismo." It hits me again - this ever-present, ever-nebulous feeling. It stays opaque but it's growing stronger and stronger each day. You feel obtuse and you're searching for answers.
Can't forget all the times little kids greet me as I walk down the streets of my small village. They knew my name on the second day of my service...as if I MATTER, as if I'm someone SPECIAL, just because I'm white and from far away and they've never seen anything like it. Boom. I'm here. I'm on this Earth. I'm living. I'm breathing...I'm powerful.
When things click, there's also this INNER CALM that possesses you. It fights with you because you hesitate to believe in it at first and then, just like a wave washes a seashell to shore, the calm settles in. Maybe it's because you've put up with so many situations people only have in their wildest dreams that it takes a lot to provoke you now. Your home is sticks and mud with leaks in the roof you had to patch in rainy season, you've had dengue fever and people thought you were going to die, your legs are ruined from mosquito bite scars, you've seen child beggars and had to be cautious instead of sympathetic, you've been close to insects smaller than your hand that can kill you, you've been on transportation that breaks down twice to take you a couple miles. Everything breaks, and it's okay. Life is hard and complicated, and IT'S OKAY, and most importantly, I begin to like the hard moments more and more.
Maybe it's the time I was able to give a child her first tooth brush and she smiles ear-to-ear the way someone who's just won the lottery smiles, but also in a way that makes you want to drop to your knees, bury your head and cry for them all because they don't deserve it. The only thing that's keeping you sane in such an environment is that you're doing SOMETHING about it. Sure it's not a lot, but at least it's SOMETHING. Peace.
Maybe it's when you hiked to see the sunset over your village with your cute Peruvian kid friends that don't wear shoes, climb to the tops of coconut trees and live on mangoes, oranges, rice and potatoes. Maybe it's when they all laughed at you for not being able roll your r's. Life is good, isn't it? Life is unbelievable but it is good. You are going to be alright. A worry at this moment is wrong. Look at their faces and enjoy. Be. Click.
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