My Ultimate Goal in Life

I think it's really crazy and unconventional to just outright say this but my goal in life is to find real love.

I don't care if I sound "desperate" or "naive." Some people think I'm extremely naive, and I can see EXACTLY how I come across as that...I am too "carefree, silly, wreckless, wild"...I don't know. The whole "you only live once" phrase gets thrown around a lot with me. What else? I laugh like a crazy person? Well life has put me through the ringer when I was a child and so, I really don't think it's "naive." As much maturing I have left to do, I think in this area of love and relationships, I have learned the hard way and it has formed me to be hyper-conscious of people. This lesson I've got DOWN. Every single person out there can be a potential "love."

I don't know if it's super juvenile of me to say, if it's something you grow out of because it seems like it'd be something really innocent to say, but I hope no one or nothing takes that away from me.

I am the way I am. It is just what it is. Can't read into it. No hidden layers. It's truth.

In fact I think more people are like me in this sense at our very core, if we learn to lose our ego.

I don't REALLY care about much else.

If I go to med school, great. If I end up becoming an Ironman by the time I'm 30, cool. If I get to see Torres del Paine, Patagonia in Chile - great. All wonderful things. Very real forces of important momentum in my life that I should listen to. Not to be discarded, but the real high I'm searching for is love. If someone can say at the end of my life, "man that Gia...she didn't just love, she loved HARD. That'll be hard to find again." There is no comparison to that feeling when you find real, good, think you can do anything, get through the toughest moments, raw, unbreakable, eternal love. I wish that upon everyone every day of their lives.

Whether it's through my best of friends, my mom, brother, grandma, cousins...or a very, VERY special man one day (who I'm sorry has to marry me in advance, hope I don't drive him too crazy, but I also hope we laugh so hard our stomachs hurt on a weekly basis...AT LEAST. I won't settle for anything less!). But yeah, I don't care how it happens or how I get my fill. Chances are you've given me my "fill" before if I'm close to you. I cherish love so much, it's TRULY ridiculous. :-)

I think that's why I put so much of my heart and soul into my relationships. I feel like that's the whole point. My life is for others. For love. I feel like a freaking golden retriever saying this but I am here to love you. I really feel that, so deeply.

You know - I lay awake at night thinking about how different I am from others, because a lot of people don't get it like I passionately do. Sometimes I don't know if society is telling me if it's a curse or a blessing. I  try to psychoanalyze myself, because my childhood was tumultuous and I was very lost. Not many know what EXACTLY happened to me, the details, but the ones that do can never believe I've turned out the way I did. To be honest I'm surprised I'm not an alcoholic either, ha! It's a good thing I've grown past a lot of it though. I grew up really fast come to think of it. My mom cheating on my dad with my now stepdad, my dad throwing her out - I will never forget that day, the neighbors coming to take us into their home, the police walking up the driveway, us living in a dumpy apartment sleeping all in the same bed, watching my mom struggle, having to deal with the man I thought ended my family, divorce, my brother and I living out of a suitcase, being passed from house to house, counseling session to counseling session, then all of a sudden my dad gets in a car crash and his Hepatitis C acts up (that had gone dormant for 30 years or so, which I think is sheer miracle...I think God wanted my brother and I to have our dad around to learn a couple of things from him before He had to take dad to heaven) then my dad's on life support and I get this call from my mom that she pulled the plug without me being able to say goodbye to my dad, the person I felt closest to in the whole world. The strength it took to forgive her for just that is heart wrenching. Then a month after my dad passing, my mom remarries with the guy she cheated on my dad with. Did I mention I did not get along with my stepdad? I was a modern Dennis the Menace. I was in HELL. This was just 4th grade to 7th grade...high school was just one big bout of yelling and screaming and doors slamming. Then enter the healing process. Shit - just the other week for Father's Day, year 2013, is the first time I appreciated my stepdad...really felt it in my heart. I have forgiven my mom, the stepdad, still working on myself. But I think I'm chasing the love I once felt. A love that made you feel safe and like everything was right in the world and you're right where you need to be at that very moment in time, because believe me, it exists, and I felt it before my family went into war. I felt it with my dad. I feel it with my mom now. I feel it with certain friends. This love lets me know I'm on the right path.

I think that path is what I'm looking for too. Love truly guides me. Does it guide you too?

I may be a lost puppy for a long time but thank God I have found loves that keep me on track. But my search is far from over. I can't wait to see where life brings me, or should I say, where people bring me? We are amazing creatures.

Tell people you love them. It's so important. Shit it may be the most important thing on this planet...but what do I know? I'm still searching.