Ripening

There comes a time in your Peace Corps service where you realize you can only do so much, the seed will sprout later. You realize you need to just BE with the people, don't teach them anything, because you should learn as much from THEM before you go. Your time here is quickly fleeting and you can feel it now. Our country director told us on orientation day in Washington, D.C., "the three R's of Peace Corps are resiliency, resourcefulness and relationships - relationships being the most important."

The people of Oidor mean so much to me and I will always love them. My host family may be a minor pain in the butt and it's unfortunate we just didn't "hit if off" and they drive me up the wazoo. As a result of this though, I have reached out into the community so much more. There are so many other homes here I can walk right into and feel like I'm with old friends, feel total comfort. Actually it's a town of 600 and I feel comfortable walking into any home just to say hello. It's amazing how much I love some of these señora's and children. In such a short time I feel a part of this organism, a player in the daily destiny.

Lucy feeds me the yummiest dinners then we sit outside and laugh 'til the cows come home. Lucy's sons, Neizer, Stevie and Kenji, call me "hermana" and I call them my brothers too. They are wonderful little balls of energy. I love making the trek over to her house. The "trek" being 5 minutes of walking down the road but I walk through this open space with houses to the right of me and all the children run out their front doors screaming, "Gioconda!!" I try to take mental snapshots of them waving with big ol' smiles on their angelic faces.

Maria Antonieta is another woman that cracks me up beyond belief, always nagging me about not having a boyfriend and how we have to find me one. We bake chocolate chip cookies in her house then eat them and place our chairs outside and we look at the stars for hours. Conversing about family, life problems, the future. Her 4 year old son, Sami, calls me his girlfriend and gets jealous if I hang out with other kids. It's hysterical.

Liz taught me how to make ceviche and has such a warm, giving spirit. She is humble and happy.

Esther, my neighbor, is sarcastic as ever. I love that we are close enough to give each other shit.

Helson, Esther's 12 year old son, is a little man, already walking around like the world is in the palm of his hands. We play games on my iPod in the hammock late into the night. He asks me questions about girls, his future. I'm honored he looks to me for an opinion.

Gera is a smart, moral 15 year old girl that comes over to watch movies, make American dishes with me. Now she will live in another town to go to college but she was a good friend my first year here.

Rebecca, 10 years old, goes running with me sometimes. She doesn't ever think she can do it then she does. She inspires me for always trying her best.

There are 6 year old twins that live nearby, Aline and Synder, and they'll come over to tear my room to shreds then we'll lay in the hammock and I'll sing them funny songs and they'll just giggle like the cutest things in the world.

Bianca...oh Bianca, poor sweet Bianca. That one's going to be something when she grows up. She climbs everything, is loud and will make her presence known. She's a little too smart for her own good. I've taken her under my wing because her family is an absolute shitshow. Abusive, alcoholic dad, you know the storyline.

Gisleni, "Gigi," doesn't talk much with her mouth but she uses her hands and eyes. She is precious. So innocent and loveable. I don't have as much patience for the other kids like I do with Gigi. She's the only one I let stay in my room without me there. She likes this one Scooby Doo DVD I put on for her. She likes when I put mascara on her eyes and Chapstick on her lips. She wears my purse and sunglasses and walks around like she owns the place. I will always have a special place for her in my heart.

This list could go on forever. The children capture my heart the most. Innocent enough to make me believe the world is good and everything happens for a reason.

This invaded me the other day...

Why am I such an asshole?! God! I am stubborn, bossy and Lord knows I can raise hell for the stupidest things. I am not just the average mess of a person you see walking down the street. I am exceptionally imperfect. Put in my place. Feeling small. People that are pretty darn close to being a good person 100% of the time, like Madre Teresa or our fav homeboy, Ghandi, my mom some days, make me feel bad, like I should strive to be totally centered and always generous. Namaste-ing my life away. You ever feel like that? Why can't I just act the "right way" and make things easy on other humans around me? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!?!?! I try to learn, do all the right things to put myself on that Ghandi express and maybe one day I'll become ever-so "learned." News flash, idiot. There are certain things you can't control, like the god damn course of life. No one will ever achieve 100% goodness, Gioconda. NEVER. That is Jesus' job. You are made with certain characteristics for a reason. Trust in the mystery. Clarification - I am NOT saying stop trying to be a good person. I am saying, just RELAX. Day by day and don't be so hard on yourself if you mess up! No forcing it. Grain of salt. Good sense of humor. Laugh a LOT with kids actually, adults aren't innocent enough. This lifelong human struggle to do the best you can is all it takes. Whatever you are doing this very second, if you are trying your best, you're good. Mission accomplished. Even if it's just looking at your stupid smartphone. You scroll down that Facebook news feed! Main point - keep going. Keep making mistakes, day in and day out. I got mad today because my host family ate some of my cheese. What irrationalities did you get mad at? Whoo hoo! We are loveable fools. Cause that chaos and most importantly, ACCEPT THE CHAOS that is YOU. I think that sort of acceptance is true "inner peace." My name is Gioconda and I am HUMAN. What a ride.

"If our senses were fine enough, we would perceive the slumbering cliff as a dancing chaos."
Friedrich Nietzsche

How I almost never ran again during my PC service

Background info: it is rare to find a woman that knows how to drive here in Tumbes where I am serving for Peace Corps...aka the path I go running on (the only path because it is the safest) is full of men in their cars, motorcycles, bikes or donkey's passing by me when I jog.

Not a lot of people know this but Peruvian men from the campo almost killed running for me. That's why I ran the half-marathon when I was home this past Christmas. Get my running fill. I can't have a normal running schedule here because of X amount of reasons - the main one being I am constantly sick, trying to catch up on my fluids, then add this hot sun into the mix. It's just not smart to run long distances under my circumstances.

It's sad too because running is my time to unwind, connect with nature, just be outside in the sun for a couple hours, take deep breathes of that fresh air smell I LOVE, look around for crying out loud, listen to a good song or the melody of the wind and birds together. I like to take care of my body, mind and soul.

Hate to say it to all my friends that I ran with in college and helped run their first half or full marathon but my sneakers got dusty here. I felt violated every time I ran. Men passing me by on the road would just look at me like a piece of meat. Hooting and hollering inappropriate words. I don't get it! Some girls look graceful and dainty when they run but I sure as hell know I wasn't given that poise. In fact, and I'm totally okay with saying this without feeling like I am putting myself down, because I know I can clean up nicely but I LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST MESS WHEN I EXERCISE. My face gets super red, it's not like I'm this skinny model body type either. Calves for days and no figure. I'm just an upright rectangle. Good ol' broad shoulders that allow me to be a strong swimmer. God I looked like beached whale after swim practice though. Sounds so sexy, right? When I jog, I don't even wear provocative clothes, although I used to wear spandex so I don't chafe, but those quickly got thrown in the box of things I don't need anymore. Chafing > feeling like you're a stripper on a pole. What I do use are old gym shirts with pit stains to shut the men up. You could say I actively tried to look gross to prevent the cat calls because coming from our American culture, they just don't feel good. Women here are "used to it" and don't think twice about it, but for a woman who got taught to never let a man look at her like a piece of ass, an array of strange emotions arise.

I'll tell you the cycle of my running journey here in Peru:

1) Run like I do in the states, wave, be happy, wear my beloved spandex

2) Get infuriated, never wear spandex ever again, throw the middle finger up every so often when exceptionally nasty things are said about my back side

3) Get even MORE infuriated, think of solution

3) Look as gross as possible, put your hair in the most messy bun with NO VOLUME...the ladies will understand this sacrifice

4) Try ever so hard to understand the mashismo culture, even forced myself to wave to some cars, motos or donkey riders to see if I was seeing this all wrong, maybe that's their way of being friendly, do my best to be a good Peace Corps volunteer/ambassador of the United States at the expense of my innocence

5) Obviously that bullshit didn't work!!!! Because no matter what, man should be a gentleman and treat women as ladies. Man should have learned self-discipline like women have. What? You think we don't have a sex drive either?

6) INDIFFERENCE

7) Let me tell you what JUST happened. I am standing at this bridge overlooking the river trying to have some peace and quite and a man just SLOWED DOWN ON HIS MOTO JUST LOOKING RIGHT AT MY BEHIND WITHOUT ANY GOD DAMN SHAME. He doesn't get to me as much though because I just shot him a "fuck off" look and, first and foremost, now I am mentally strong enough to control my fist's clenching reflex.

The hard truth is that you have to be a little bitchier and know better than to let perverse men win. The aggressiveness to make a woman know she looks good is okay TO AN EXTENT. The blatant ignorance is NOT.

I definitely feel violated when I run, ashamed of my body, like I want to hide and I don't want to give any man my trust knowing what mom said growing up was kind of true. "All men think about is sex Gioconda." Raw country = raw displays of affection.

It's not women's fault God made us all beautiful in our way. We shouldn't feel like we are on display for men either. Like that's all women are good for. This has definitely been the hardest part of getting used to the culture here - most men think you're useless, a vagina that makes babies and arms to sweep those floors nice and shiny! Not to mention, your professional efforts are a joke. Not as blatant nowadays but there is still this unsaid sense of "women cook, clean and take care of the babies," and if they teach, practice medicine, or pursue math, they won't be as good as someone with a charging penis.

In a Latin country, I can sympathize with the stronger gender roles, mashismo, "manly aggressiveness," but I cannot empathize.

I am woman. I am so many things, but I am NOT your piece of ass. As I continue these last 10 months of service here in Peru I will do my best to empower the mom's I work with. Baby steps are all I can do realistically because this country has long strides to make.

A woman is more than emotions, curves, and gentleness. She is your mother. She is your sister, grandma, what-have-you. Respect is in order. One day Peru will get there, I know it. I won't let them take away my hope for a better tomorrow. That means they won, but not with this particular woman. Also important to say - this obviously isn't directed at ALL Peruvian men of course. There are good men all over the world. Some particularly more charismatic, enchanting and warm - "gentlemen," and one day I hope I share my life with an "other half." I know the gentleman my father talked about exists. "He will treat all things, little or big, with respect Gioconda." I just know little girls here are affected by the behavior of men more than I am, because I will leave here. This isn't home for me. For those who do call Peru home though, a big change is in order. I'm hoping it starts with baby steps.

My site is to the right of the river