Hope when the moment comes...

You'll say, "I did it all."
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

I think I'll laugh like a child but walk like an adult.

There are moments in life you feel you're in the exact place you're supposed to be. Things feel right. The stars might ACTUALLY be aligning. You don't know where you're going but you know you're on your way...

I am growing up and going through some really tough things out here and I'm still so happy. It baffles me. Am I really that positive of a person? How am I going through so much pain yet still happy I came? Happy to go through the growing pains of life.

I think it's because the way I chose to "grow up" is through doing a service commitment like Peace Corps. It's a very special way to learn about the world and refine your lense.

The main things I'm learning are as follows:

1) Patience.

2) You can't help every single person but if you get to one person, it's enough.

3) The world does not revolve around me and my goals. There is so much more to life than "me." I am a part of a bigger picture. Sentences that start with "I" is not a way of life.

4) I will not understand the bigger picture somedays but THAT'S OKAY.

5) I accept that life is a mystery. I will never solve it. However, I WILL trust it. I just need to keep waking up and doing what makes me feel alive.

6) I will fail over and over again in life and that's ALSO okay.

7) If I am breathing and have the strength to laugh, I should not be complaining.

8) Life is way more simple than everyone seems to make it. We get lost in everyday routine and pressure from society, etc. Life doesn't have to be that complicated. It's meant to be good, so act accordingly.

9) If I try my very best, I deserve to be satisfied with the outcome because that's all I could do. I am not God. I will never be perfect. It's actually better that I'm flawed as HELL. makes life interesting!

Growing up is hard and it has to be done BUT not in every sense. I will laugh like a child forever - that will never change - but I will walk like an adult.

Being surrounded by these doctors from the U.S. navy and army this past week  was eye opening. They came to a third world country to give care to Peruvians who couldn't afford it. There were a lot of frustrations and it didn't end up being as productive as planned due to low resources, failures in organization and not enough doctors from Peru coming to help out. I was just doing the translating but this environment was amazing nonetheless for me. Helped me take a couple more steps towards being a better person, ya know?

Just a few good experiences for me:

I got to be a fly on the wall in the operating room translating for American surgeons to Peruvian surgeons during an operation that took place in a classroom, got to watch family medicine being done by one of the best doctors I've ever seen in action, learning how to touch a patient, what to ask for, what to look for, helping a gynocologist and learning how to read an ultrasound, learning about the eye translating for the optomologist. Meeting some incredibly grateful people...true appreciation is hard to come by these days. The doctors and med students would treat us to dinners every night and they were such a warm group of people to be around. I appreciated every one of their spirits crossing pathes with mine. We came from two totally different worlds yet we became a great team, a little family. Laughing so hard at the dinner table, it has easily been one of the best weeks while I've been in Peru.

I was constantly commending the doctors for their commitment and hard work. I just don't know how they do it, but they would ALWAYS intensely reverse the compliment saying us volunteers in the Peace Corps are the strong ones. It makes me realize we forget that we really do go through some absolutely insane shit that very few people experience. Isolation, being deathly sick all by yourself, work frustrations on a whole other level than you can imagine, having the MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS (actually after 10 months living in a developing country there is no such thing as "awkward" for me anymore, anything goes now, ha!) barely ever getting to talk to our families and friends (for those of us who aren't lucky enough to get Internet signal for a USB modom in their site), some of us not seeing our families for the whole two years. I will go a year and 3 months without seeing my brother. You think that makes me happy? Things like that make me question my decision to be here all the time because being here makes me intensely cherish my family and friends more. Before coming I was a person that liked to challenge myself and live life in an extreme manner, really suck it dry, but I got a little desensitized being here. I got used to it. The craziness doesn't surprise me anymore. I don't realize it. But it took a bunch of army doc's to remind me how much I'm growing up and that what I'm doing here is a good thing. One of my favorite med students in the group said I'm clearly "ballsy." A couple doc's said they could never do what we do. Another doctor I look up to and want to be like one day (Tress!!!) said it's the most important thing to do in your 20s to take a couple years to really grow up the right way by doing something like Peace Corps because some people never "grow up."

I'm glad I made the decision and hope to keep growing and going through hard things that only make me a better person in the end. I see the light at the end of the tunnel for all the hard life lessons up ahead. Ready to face them, ready to stand tall, ready for the tears, and most importantly, ready to smile.

after a good day's work!

the coolest gynocologist, dr. kelli

the doctors treated us to the YUMMIEST dinners!

translating.

my favorite doctors on the trip!

what the peruvians gave us a thank you gift. :-)

tress, the doctor that inspired me the most.

negritos, talara, piura, peru

checking out the beach nearby, negritos

chelsea and linda, super awesome med students in the army

dr. palma and tress, waiting to receive a thank from the president of piura and the US ambassador to Peru

love ya tress! be safe out there in the world, until the next time!

with the US ambassador, Rose Likins

we got to catch the sunset!

tons of people came for medical care

people waiting for care

Taking the bike out for a spin

my spot of peace.

biking and chatting with señora florencia. 

i feel like i can see his soul. he's beautiful to me.

Relaxing song

Chilly Gonzales

My sandy perspective

Don't let your mind wander if you want to be happy. Be present. Enjoy the moment intensely because it's all we really have.

The Pacasmayo Effing Marathon...

So it was my birthday present to myself to run the Pacasmayo marathon here in Peru. I thought it would go smoothly, although the course is EXTREMELY difficult. All one dirt road in the desert, which is normally preferable - better for your knees. At parts you'd be running along the ocean, but mainly you were in the middle of nowhere desert, or going through farmland. There wasn't a lot of runners doing this one either, so I was alone basically the entire course. Normally I feed off the crowd cheering you on, so I didn't really like this part of the marathon. Anyways I GOT REALLY SICK.

The night before I didn't sleep - diarrhea all night. I was doing the classic "sulfur burps" when you have giardia and knew a parasite in my body was acting up. I didn't want to believe it. Such horrible timing, but it was happening and life kept rolling.

When my alarm went off on marathon day, I woke up ready for battle. I genuinely thought I could still do the full marathon with giardia. I've done a few before - what's a little diarrhea? 30 minutes before the race started, I took an Immodium and said to myself, if it doesn't work, then I'll just run the half. It's just not smart to dehydrate myself like that, especially on an isolated course like this.

Within the first few miles, I started running off the course with diarrhea, but was still hopeful the Immodium would kick in. It didn't.

At around the half point mark, 13.1 miles, I vomited but there was no one around, so I had to keep going until I found someone. The way the course worked, I could not just hop onto the half-marathon course. I was still going to be running more than that at this point, so I had to keep going until I found somebody.

At around 18 miles, I vomited again and an ambulance happened to pass by. I took it as a sign from God and just hopped on. I didn't see it as "giving up" though. I just was sick, period. My body was saying no. There will be plenty of other marathons. I'm not doing this to impress anyone. I run marathons for myself, my mom and my friends. They'd be proud of WHATEVER I can do.

I still challenged myself that day, and still learned the marathon lesson - you can do anything you set your mind to. After I vomited the first time, I wanted to sit in the middle of this desert and just cry, because I was in so much pain and had no energy due to dehydration, but I didn't. Firstly, because of Michelle. Michelle's my best friend here in Peace Corps. She couldn't be there that day but she gave me a letter that I tucked into my bra to open at mile 18, when things get hard for me, but I opened it early. She kicked my ass mentally enough to get me to mile 18. I also firmly believe in how the pain only lasts a couple of hours and in the scope of your life, that's NOTHING but the lesson is FOREVER. I had so many good things to think about on the course. So much has happened this year, and I'm learning how important it is to do what you love. You only live once. Go hard. Hit the ground running. Do it all, even when you have giardia. :-)

Turning 23

I baked chocolate chip cookies. I played candyland with Bianca and Gera. I straightened Gera's hair. I went to the health post. We celebrated, had good conversation, laughed a lot. I got to share the chocolate chip cookies with the community. I was surrounded by love. It was perfect.

"Peru taught me..."

I got to meet up with one of my favorite neuroscience professors from college at Regis University, Dr. Lafosse, in Lima. He's Peruvian and came to visit family here. Kind of crazy to find him all the way in Peru, plus all of us volunteers die to see a familiar face so of course I took the 23 hour bus ride from Tumbes to Lima just for a lunch, and it was worth every sole.

Dr. Lafosse is a mentor and guides me in life to make good decisions. I wish he kicked my ass a little bit more in college though, because being here as a Peace Corps volunteer, a teacher in the failing school sytems here in Peru has opened my eyes like no other. I want to kick myself for not appreciating college as much. I mean, I appreciated it...just not as much as I should have.

Dr. Lafosse reminded me of his parents immigration experience to the states ALL for him to go to college in the U.S. He reminded me of his feelings on his graduation day - how half of him was so proud of graduating, but how half of him wished his parents could feel as accomplished because, really, they earned it too. You can imagine that people sacrifice their language, their culture, their home and family for something irreplaceable, something you can't get anywhere else...that "something" is an education from the good ol' U.S. of A. My grandma from Ecuador also fought poverty and sacrificed the world to get to the states to bring my mom and her sister to the U.S. My grandma wanted her girls to go college and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, and you bet my mom and aunt made something of themselves they could be proud of. My mom is an architect and my aunt was an accountant. My mom talks about her experience in college so fondly. My mom truly appreciated her mom's efforts. My generation - not so much, and I feel like an IDIOT about it. But that's okay - can't dwell on the past! And that's why I'm writing about this, because I want to scream it at the top of my lungs to appreciate school. Anyways, in a sense I owe my graduation from college to my grandma. If it wasn't for her relentless efforts I wouldn't be in the shoes I am today. Years before we were born, my grandmother paved a better future for my brother and I, and now my brother is top 40 of his engineering class at UC Berkeley and I graduated a neuroscience major and am an aspiring doctor. Now I truly can say, I can't wait to go to medical school and take it all in, fully immerse myself in knowledge and the tools in life that make someone the utmost best they can be. I want to work harder than I've ever worked before. Peru brought me to this moment.

The reality is that school in Peru is for the rich and the rest simply don't get "dreams" - can't afford them. I talked to a mother that literally doesn't like to motivate her child simply for the kid not to face the pain in life of having a dream that is impossible to achieve. She said that it happened to her and it was one of the most painful things she has ever gone through. Can you imagine growing up without a DREAM? Dreams and school are a luxury in my new world. I wanted to cry for her children, for her but I am here just for that. We're constantly being reminded that Peace Corps volunteers are "facilitators" slash we are to always WORK WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Empower empower empower! I will empower this mother to help push her kid, because you never know what the future holds and I would at least like her child to try to get there. I believe in the impossible and sometimes I think hope is our godsend because it keeps us alive with wonder. That sense of wonder makes every day count. That's just me though. I may be one crazy volunteer thinking kids in a third world country have a chance in hell, but we'll never know for sure unless we try...right?

An eduation is the best damn thing a person can do for themselves.

If I had the chance, this is what I'D shout at every college campus in the states. PAY ATTENTION BONEHEAD - YOU HAVE THE WORLD AT THE PALM OF YOUR HANDS. Take advantage of it!!! The resources we have in the states is alarming. We are the LUCKIEST 20 something year olds walking on this earth for the opportunities available to us.

In rural Peru it is rare for a child to "go to university." The schools here aren't as up to par, accesible or accomodating as in the states. Here a child has to have a relative in the "big city" to stay at their house because that's where the universities are located. There's no such thing as "dorms" here; no one's kid lives in an apartment or house with their friends. The family barely has enough money to put food on the table, much less pay for school. Remember how school is a LUXURY? A child here truly fights for that luxury and the opportunity to make something of themselves, whereas in the states an eduation is practically given to us on a silver platter. SLAP!!! You have something most kids DREAM OF...yet there we are (if you were anything like me) showing up late to class, sleeping during class, not reading those oh so precious books that cost hundreds of dollars because there's a party or some mountain to go snowboarding down. Books cost hundreds of dollars for a reason. School in general costs a fortune for a reason...yet the vast majority of college students goes and does what it takes to GET BY. Getting by is not SUCCEEDING. It is not APPRECIATING.

To wrap this up, here's my point. Don't just get by. Succeed, because you college students in America truly can. Do it for the kids fighting for their dreams in my site, in Peru, and all over this world.

Mother's Day in Peru

I cried the hardest I've ever cried since being here on mother's day. God did I just let it out...

Not to be a debbie downer, but this was a huge moment. "All a part of growing up" I guess.

I thankfully got to skype with my mom that day who told me to keep being strong of course and just loved me through my hysterics. It was one of those cries that I couldn't control, my lips quivering no matter how hard I tried to hide it on our crappy Skype connection. My mom caught me just LOSING IT and I felt so bad showing her this on her special day. I wanted to make her laugh, her to be happy. What really got me through - I felt so bad not being there with my mom, who deserves the best from me. She was off to church to see the rest of the children with their mom's and I didn't want her to get sad that her child is so far away. I also feel like she's there for me so much more than I can be for her. It killed me. Her going on and on about how I need to realize she loves me no matter what - that this skype date is enough  for her, as I'm desperately trying to put a smile on my face to make this be remembered as a joyous conversation, yet the tears just kept falling. And you know what? Gotta let them fall.

The sacrifices I have made are tremendous but I have such great family and friends that understand I love them with all my heart, even if we don't see each other for 2 years. Even if I can't be there for them like I'd like to, they actually understand. I am the one that needs to come to terms with this. You all have been beyond amazing and supportive. I don't know how you do it. Kudos. I clearly need to get my shit together.

When I got back to my small pueblito on Día de Madre, the day competely turned around. Día de Madre is probably the second most important holiday right underneath Christmas here in Peru. I have so much respect for a country that values their mothers this much. Anyways, I had been invited to spend the day with one of my favorite ladies, her mom and family. Maria Antonietta screamed as I walked up the hill to their house and quickly gave me the hug I needed after feeling like the world's worst daughter. Her mom quickly took my hand, they grabbed a chair so quickly and expressed how happy they were that I came. They asked about how my mom is doing as they met her a couple of months ago when my mom visited and I told them what happened in the morning. They listened,  consoled and brought me a cup to drink some beer with them. I hadn't drank in site because I want the people to view me as "professional", but that day, it was okay to have that kind of fun. I was with people I trusted and loved. So, cheers! Salud! Vamos!

It was so much fun dancing on the top of this hill where Señora Chava's (Antonietta's  mom) house sits. It overlooks the river and the farmlands of mango trees and you could see platanos and the rolling hills of the "bosque seco" (dry forest) for miles. I loved letting loose and enjoying Antonietta's family's company. Being spun around by this super short, super smiley old lady just did the trick. I was feeling I could be a good daughter to at least ONE MOM.

My mom told me to ask those ladies I'd be spending the day with what the hardest thing they've ever had to endure was and "como ellas suportaron la cosa" (how they endured the thing). Maybe I'd find some answers for my own struggles there. Senora Chava's answer was the exact same as Antonietta's. Having kids. How they got through? God.

Through God, all things are possible. Def riding that energy to get me through the days I miss family and friends. After all, they all pretty much think it's the coolest thing I'm here in Peru so gotta make sure I take advantage of the days I'm being spun around dancing to Latin musica on hills with good people. These moments with the people of Peru are once in a lifetime. I'm sure God will continue to remind me of that!

Obsessed.

You're Beautiful.