Truth

Wow.

Just…wow.

My thoughts are still flying all over the paper.

Today was hard.

I need to give you a bit of history. I have been having problems lately with the doctor, one of the nurses and obstetrician that work in the health post in my rural community of Oidor in Tumbes. In Peace Corps we have to work with these health professionals because they are supposed to be the leaders of the community. The doctor is obviously at the top of the totem pole, so he or she should be the leader of the team, followed by the obstetrician, then the nurses then me. I need to explain to you the way health professionals work here in Peru though before I get ahead of myself with my emotions. What has provoked them is a meeting I had today with the health professionals, my regional coordinator, Wilfredo, and Mario, a member of the Directory of Health in Tumbes, who are the bosses of all health professionals in Tumbes. In the meeting, to make a long story short, the doctor said it’s useless to have me in Oidor, people don’t change, and this attitude is already harbored in the obstetrician that came 3 months ago, and one of the nurses. My regional coordinator was basically fighting the doctor, obstetrician and nurse about how with a negative attitude, of course we’ve already lost the battle. To top it off, Mario, the big time boss of all these health professionals, caught them in a lie because they had been writing documents saying they were accomplishing x amount of activities with the community but after this meeting, it was obvious that was not the case. Mario said that someone who speaks so horribly about their community is not serving them. The doctor even went as far as to blame me for why we all haven’t been working together. I hope you guys know what the word shitshow means because it was an ALL OUT, BONAFIED, FIVE STAR SHITSHOW.

Here in Tumbes, health professionals have another role besides medicine. The Directory of Health in Tumbes gives each of these health professionals goals to fulfill in HEALTH EDUCATION as well…basically to teach the same things I teach mothers, their children and the teenagers in the community. As a matter of fact, we have the same goals. Peace Corps does this for a reason – so there is a GUARANTEE we work TOGETHER. The whole point of Peace Corps is to WORK WITH SOMEONE ALWAYS. This creates sustainability. I don’t just come, do “my projects” and ciao! See you later alligator! It does not work that way AT ALL. I don’t even say “my” projects, because it shouldn’t be…it should be “OUR PROJECTS”, joined with the community members. Most of my first 6 months here was motivating people to work with me. I had to push/insist and I didn’t like that. Fun Gia fact: I HATE PUSHING PEOPLE. Absolutely hate it. With some people, I had to know when to stop because they weren’t interested and it showed…but then I’d see a spark in someone else, and I’d have to help them be the whole goddamn firework, if that makes any sense. Anyways, back to the point - health professionals here don’t just stay in their offices. The doctors, nurses and obstetricians of Peru each have goals to fulfill with the community in addition to their work in the office. It’s like if our doctors in the U.S. hospitals were to go to the schools and visit the families in that neighborhood to give them educational sessions about preventing disease. Obviously that doesn’t happen in the states because it’s more developed but here in Peru it’s a different reality and this is the kind of help the people need. We still have many obstacles ahead of us, “nuestro pobre, lindo Peru” as the people here say (“our poor, beautiful Peru”).Therefore, this doctor, the nurse and the obstetrician should be in that house visit with me, or that Pasos Adelante class teaching the teenagers to make good decisions. Have they been doing that? Not one bit. I have been looking past it because it’s their own prerogative. Again, I HATE PUSHING PEOPLE. I want to understand where people are coming from and believe there’s a good reason behind each of their decisions. Who am I to judge? But you can believe I’ve come to their offices time and time again just to invite them, tell them how our projects are going, just talk to them, see how they’re doing – bullshit my ass off to gain their trust maybe to see if they’re more like my friend, they’ll help me out. It has not worked.

I have found good people to work with of course – it’s just that, it’s not a lot of people – a couple of health promoters, a teacher here and there. As a result of the little support, my productivity level is lower than it should be. Basically, I need the health post’s support to be as successful as I should be. They have no interest, so I really haven’t bothered them to work with me. I feel bad. Like I said, I HATE pushing people. I understand they all have their own lives. Because I cannot work alone, I am always waiting or trying to motivate the doctor, nurse or obstetrician to come to class with me and teach the people with me, I am very behind in these projects. Thank God for the two health promoters I work with and the other nurse in the health post that have supported me from day one. Otherwise I probably would have left Peace Corps already.

 It is hard being a health professional here because after medical school, for example, you have to do a year of “SERUM”, the equivalent of a “residency” in a rural community. After their SERUM, most doctors go find better lives in Lima and leave behind the communities…obviously because they are now rich and the quality of life in Lima is exponentially better than in a community in the middle of nowhere. I understand this. People work hard to move from poverty to having something in life. I just can’t believe how much of a disparity most health professionals leave their communities. This is their country and health professionals who truly want to better it is truly far and few between. This is my attempt to understand the negativity that has plagued my health post, because I am not them and I do not know for sure but here goes…they grew up around it. They are sick of trying. Therefore, and, unfortunately, they think there’s nothing that can be done. When you’re exposed to something for a long period of time, you get used to it – TOO used to it. This is what has happened to one of the nurses, the doctor and the obstetrician in my site. The work ethic from the people in my health post has left me a little broken hearted…not for the community, but for the health professionals. They lost something very important for this kind of job a long time ago – hope, and they have not yet learned another something very important for the job – patience. Particularly in my health post, it’s also amazing how contagious one bad attitude can spread, because they all weren’t like this when they first started their SERUM. The doctor came into this thinking my job will be fruitless. From day one, he has told me, he commends me for leaving for two years to try, but that my efforts will prove “silly” one day. No it did not feel good to hear this. I have obviously suppressed the shit out of his words because I still believe but still…“fighting to prevent disease as a team.” What a far-fetched dream that is right now.

I have a lot to think about. I first want to say – there are volunteers that get everything handed to them but I am glad I am not one of them. I am glad this is the challenge of a lifetime for my patience, resiliency and hope. I will be unstoppable one day, but for now, I’m one lowly grasshopper, just praying my master isn’t too, too harsh on me. I know he only gives me burdens I can handle.

Secondly, the doctor does not know what he is talking about when he says the community is not capable of change. He does not work directly with the families in their own homes, or with the kids at their school. He does not what I do, thus, he does not see what I see. I see that the job is hard. I see that I need a lot of patience, but most of all, I see families that want to change. In other words, I see a chance. It’s a chance in hell, but I see it, and, as a result, I feel that hope. That hope that gets you through two years. I know I’ve told a lot of people I don’t know what the future holds for me – if I’ll be home by next summer, or if I will finish my Peace Corps service from cover to cover, but now I know I need to see it through.

Today has been tough because the truth came out – the scary, vulgar, shocking truth. It’s not the only truth that came out though. Wilfredo also wanted to see my choir so we walked over the small school in my pueblo. All the kids were running around in their recess time yet come to greet me as I’m entering the gate. It’s always an ambush, and I love every second of it – no matter how sweaty and dirty we all are, and how much hotter it gets surrounded by all of them. I will always cherish this feeling of children to my left, to my right, climbing on top of me, grabbing my legs. They sang for Wilfredo. He told me I’m the luckiest Peace Corps volunteer he knows, no matter what the obstacles, because I have love all around me, and will keep me going. Truth.

I saw a lot more truth that spoke louder than the doctor’s words and this is what I want to leave you with, because this is the truth that matters. When I was leaving the health post in a very emotional state, on the verge of tears of the burden I carry, one of my favorite little girls was coming in – Gigi. There are photos below. She has a speech impediment and knows how to say about 6 words well, one of those words being my name. She saw me and I saw her and she smiled and opened her arms and started running to hug me…and the way Gigi smiles is different than any other child. The smile is practically bursting off her face because she can’t express herself through words, so she uses other ways. This smile literally brought me to my knees, dropped all my folders and papers on the floor, so she could give me a good hug and I could give her a good hug too. All I needed to take away my tears. Truth.