Evolving

            I realized when I come home this Christmas, my friends and family will notice I am a little different. I am still a happy-go-lucky girl, my soul is just deeper, cavernous, and full of meaning. Mysterious…even to myself some days. Harder to reach, but easy to see. I try to please it all the time. Not being home for a year and four months – the longest I’ve ever gone – and living in a third world country will do that to you and I should address it so my friends will anticipate it and know how to handle it if I act weird. I’m not saying I’m a totally new person, but I have definitely become more of a strong woman. Some changes, I know about and some changes are still happening and some I have no idea about! That’s where my friends and family will come in – they’ll help me see what I can’t. The changes I do know though, I’d like to share.

The first one I’ve noticed is that I’m a bit hardened. I have a very “suck it up, you’ll get over it so why bitch about it?” attitude. It can be harsh and unsympathetic. Amongst other Peace Corps volunteers, I don’t notice it because we’re all the same breed and tell each other to KEEP WALKING time and time again. I mean, it happens to be the only way to survive in the middle of nowhere with nothing you know. Marathon running has helped me learn this lesson as well. I have become rough around the edges and my skin has grown thick. I no longer have a want to call my mom when there is a problem and I feel deeply sad. I self-soothe, self-navigate and self-progress. I don’t care about most problems, knowing they will pass, I will figure it out in due time. I don’t fret about many things. I just go with it – go with EVERYTHING. It’s not being heartless. I have become very malleable and resilient in mind. Concentrated.

I have a very strong moral code. I don’t surround myself around people that don’t anymore. I am exponentially picky about who I surround myself with. Some think I’m judgmental but I can’t help the way I was raised and my beliefs in what is right and wrong. I will never try to change anyone else but because my moral code is so strong, I notice it affects others. We are all entitled to have our own opinions and make our own decisions, therefore, I don’t care what others do, but I do care IMMENSELY what I do. There’s this saying, you are who your friends are, and for that reason, I keep people that do the things I do close to me. Simple as that. Do whatever you want, I won’t judge you, and there’s no need to judge me either for not being a part of what you do either.

I appreciate that people are transitory. Ships sailing in the wind. I used to be sad I don’t find good friends as often in the Peace Corps then I began to appreciate people for who they are and what life experience we shared – big or small - and left it at that. Peace to all I cross paths with. I don’t need anything from people anymore. When I was younger, I wanted people’s approval, but now I live for my own approval.

The moment means a lot to me and I don’t want to waste any part of my life, especially these young years. I am more intense than ever, trying to learn, discover and experience as much as possible. My senses are heightened and I want to keep them that way. Trying to feel alive every single moment of every single day is hard. I like the challenge. This is life, this is my love for it.

I have decided being a doctor is the only thing I can do with my life. I will return home after my service and traveling Central/South America around February 2015. I will get a job, be at home with people I love who I need to spend precious quality time with, then I will continue my goal and get back into school.

I have one parent – my mother, and she is the single most important person in my life. It scares me to death when I am away from her thinking one day, I know I will lose her and I want to make as many memories as possible. That is how I keep my father alive, so now that I know how to keep him alive, I must do the same with my mom. I will dedicate my life to taking care of her when I finally have the means to. She has given me everything and I understand that deeply now. It makes me want to cry every time I think about how wonderful she is. I can’t say thank you enough, but I can say I love you for the rest of my life. She is the best mom in the world.

             This is exactly what I wanted out of Peace Corps – to form a good person out of myself and to know exactly who that person is, knowing my strengths and weaknesses, to bring me confidence in each step I take in life.