Just talking about the rest of my life

Gioconda…do you REALLY want to be a doctor, with all your heart and soul, AND EVERYTHING ELSE YOUR BODY CONSISTS OF, DOWN TO YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?!?!?!?!

It takes a very special breed to become a doctor. After Peace Corps, I know EXACTLY who I am and I'd like to think I know what I want for the rest of my life, because I know what makes me happy and what doesn't.

Peace Corps tears you apart to your bare minimum and this is what I've concluded: I am SIMPLE and CONFIDENT. Very positive, motivational. I believe in service and philantrophy. I grew up fast. I'm outgoing, SPONTANEOUS, good at thinking on my feet, resourceful, honest, light-hearted, extremely compassionate, loyal as a golden retriever, STUBBORN AS EVER...my way or the highway, right friends? HA! I've got an audacity that could knock your socks off. I'm closed off until I trust you and it takes a long time to really get to know me because I don't trust easily. I'll detach from people a little too easily too. Thank you, difficult childhood! I can be overly analytical and PENSIVE, opinionated but I'll never push my beliefs on anyone. I'm PATIENT (thank you Peace Corps!), low maintenence, persistent to the point of driving people crazy, OBSERVING, STRAIGHT FORWARD, harsh at times, have determination and dedication for days, and contrary to popular belief, I appreciate my alone time and being around people takes energy away from me. After my father passed away in 6th grade, I didn't give a shit about anything for a while there and I didn't care what people thought of me so I spoke up more often, challenged myself. In high school I mastered how to be an extrovert but don't get it twisted, I'm quite the solitary loser! I hope this formula adds up to a smart doctor with the human touch, because that's the kind of doc I want to be.

I want to believe every aspiring doc has the following neurotic feelings.

"The want doesn’t even matter, Gioconda. Throw that out the window. This is no joke. You’ve seen what it takes. Are you smart enough? Are you mature yet? Did Peace Corps do what you wanted it to do?! How does a 20-something know if they're mature enough to handle a code blue?!?!?!?!"

"What makes you think you can be a doctor, Gioconda…and not just any ol’ doctor, but a GOOD DOCTOR? Because if you’re going to do this, you’re going to do this RIGHT. You struggled in college because you chose to have a social life, were adamant about how you thought you had to take advantage of being young with no responsibilities. So, once you get back into school, will there really be a significant change academically? And if you do end up redeeming yourself, are you prepared to make the sacrifices?"

"And your family life????? What kind of mom will you be if you have this kind of career? When will you get pregnant? Yes, a med student has to think like this, because at least 8 years of your future will be mapped out, for the most part. You know your priorities are straight. Family is always number one, so how will your husband handle your passion for medicine? Maybe you won't even get a husband and will just have to adopt. You're okay with that though...you think. Sacrifices, right?"

"How can you learn to balance a demanding career and have a family? How the hell have people been doing it? Is it like, if they can do it, you can too? You’ve tried to think of becoming a nurse or nurse practitioner – maybe this will fulfill your want to save lives, to marvel at the human body. You know you don’t do well taking orders from people. You’re a born leader and you don’t do well with routine so trash the nursing idea. You’ve even thought about physical therapy. It’s VERY different, one-on-one time with a patient, which you’ve been told you’d excel at. You’ve weighed pro’s and cons, done your fair share of shadowing, volunteering, interning, listening to friends."

Why can’t I get this doctor idea out of my head?

Friends and family, I’ve tried so hard to make sure this is what I want to do. This career keeps pulling me back. I kept running because I take it SO SERIOUSLY. I ran all the way to Peru, damn it, to make ABSOLUTELY SURE I wanted to be in the medical field…and not just ANYONE in the medical field, but a DOCTOR. This is the rest of my life. Again, I take it so seriously, I can’t even describe. I understand the weight I’d carry. Or maybe I take it so seriously because I don’t yet understand and I want to respect it like it’s the ocean with force greater than I am.

"A doctor is responsible for people’s LIVES. This is not a light burden to carry. Once you’re in, you’re in for the long haul too. No turning back, no do-overs, get ready to sacrifice your beloved family and friends. This is what it takes, it’s a harsh reality and it won’t be easy. Until the day you die, you will be in school, learning to be a better doc. You will have the chance to save many but you will LOSE SOME along the way too. You will tell families their mom’s did NOT survive the surgery. You will not sleep. You will become machine-like, forever trying to achieve the equilibrium of human compassion and callous diligence. You will crash under pressure when you begin. You will be wrong so many times and want to be perfect but it will take years to achieve this level of experience. IT WILL BE SO, SO HARD. THE HARDEST DAMN THING YOU’VE EVER GONE THROUGH. Marathon running and Peace Corps COMBINED won’t give you half as much hell as medical school will. Will you be able to handle it when someone’s heart stops? What will you do, Gioconda? Will you rise to the occasion, or will you freeze?"

I’m scared of this career. Better said, I’m afraid of my passion, because if it’s taking me where I think it’s taking me, I’m in for it. It’s funny, once you find your “passion,” there’s no stopping it. It will find you and awaken your senses like nothing else can. Once you know, you KNOW.

I know because I ONLY listened in my science classes. They were the only classes that mattered to me, that challenged me like I like to be challenged. I see someone sick and am drawn like a magnet. I listen to the sick differently, intently in a sick way. I see a patient and I feel like I belong in the room. I am instantly quizzical and stimulated. When I shadowed the doctors in college, I would come home like I had just done drugs. When I was in the hospital, I lost myself in observation and my mind calculated every doctor’s move. A passion makes you feel like you’re on drugs. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s a high and you go through life searching for this high over and over again. We all want to feel alive, and that’s how passion feels. It’s addicting…because we need it. Like the recycled meth pulsating in an addict’s veins bonds to the blood cells indubitably and permanently, the passion has become a part of us, and sure enough, we go through withdrawals without it…like I am here in the Peace Corps. I’m DYING to be in a hospital. D-Y-I-N-G. I have asked professors to send me studies, family members send me anatomy and neuroscience books, download videos of surgeries to put on a USB to watch in my site when it's pouring rain and there's nothing else to do. I go out with my friends, meet someone new, and never shut up about the brain, medicine, case studies, etc. (Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend! Ha!) It’s amazing how bored some people can get about something you personally feel like flying while doing.

As I get closer to my COS date (close of service) for Peace Corps, I am pressured to have my life “figured out.” Many finish these two years without a plan, but I can’t seem to let myself relax like that, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I am determined and focused. I’ve been searching for my purpose since high school graduation, although even then I was thinking of becoming a doctor.

I’m realizing it’s about to be one hell of a ride. After many years of mental growth and deliberation, I am confident to tell you that I will, without a shadow of a doubt, become a doctor one day. I hope I can do Doctors Without Borders or some sort of disaster relief. I don’t care how hard it will be. “Ambition is putting a ladder against the sky.” I’m ready. I wasn’t the day I graduated college, but now, I’m ready to take action.

Thank you for all your support in my search. I wish I could give you all a friggin' planet for your positivity and encouragement! A “thank you” isn’t enough but I know my family and friends aren't the type to expect the mansion on the beach. You guys should know your belief in me is everything. Thank you. I'm going to stop writing now before I type "thank you" over and over again. :-) Here's a photo of Dairon!! Isn't he cute?